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Welcome back to this side of the internet where I, a fantasy genre enthusiast, watches the fantasy trilogy The Lord of the Rings for the first time. If you want to know the events that led to this travesty and how I felt about the first one, be sure to read part one!
This week I tasked myself to watch ‘The Two Towers’, which many friends have stated is the BEST of the trilogy. However, sequels are notoriously known to be garbage. So, let’s see if this movie is worthy of all the hype it receives.
(WARNING: If you have NOT seen Lord of the Rings, you will be 1. Confused as you read this and 2. Experience spoilers!)
Searching for Mordor and Hobbits
Oh, I see you cinematography team! GO OFF! Show off that natural beauty. Hm..I’m hearing some of the dialogue from before. OOOOOOH Gandaldore over here kicking ass! That’s right stab that demon shadow! Wait, hey Fro-Fro! So is it a dream or a memory Gandaldore is sharing with him via dream?
Well at least Fro-Fro and Sam are alive, but does Fro-Fro really need to make Sam be the pack mule? Like I get it you’re “the chosen one”, but you can pull some weight my guy. Sam is such a good guy; he’s always seeing the silver lining for Fro-Fro!
OMG WAIT….IS THAT….GOLLUM!? YASSSS! Lord, I hate that crawling he’s doing. OMG, how do they not sense they’re being stalked? OH OKAY They knew! Ooof Sam got bitten by Gollum. Lord, that scream Gollum let’s out is like how I scream when I see a waterbug anywhere.
(Not going to lie, I definitely got sad that Sam got bitten by Gollum because my mind said HE’S GOING TO TURN INTO ONE! You know you’ve seen one too many zombie movies when…LOL)
Sam is going so hard to protect Fro-Fro from Gollum. While Fro-Fro is eating up everything Gollum is putting down, Sam is over here like:
(Side note: I love that Gollum’s pronouns are we/us. Go off, king!)
Meanwhile, BAEagorn is listening to the ground tracking Merry and Pip with the best bromance of this trilogy: Gimli and Orlando Bloom, who, thankfully, doesn’t look like a Twilight vampire in this movie.
YES! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!
Here comes Saruman. He’s having them birth him an army of Orc-lings and he’s loading them up with propaganda. OF COURSE HE IS!
And we’re out to Rohan where the army of scaly aliens are attacking the town. Their ruler resembles that one vampire from the movie What We Do in The Shadows. You know the one.
OMG, I didn’t know Severus Snape and Filch had a baby! Congrats on baby Grima guys!
Back to Pip and Merry; they’re still caught by these wonderfully make-uped Orcs who want to eat these poor hobbits. Personally, after looking at those feet, I’d pass on the idea of eating hobbits if I were an orc. There they go fighting amongst themselves, but YAY A MOMENT TO ESCAPE. Ah, yes, with a speedy army crawl…
BAEagorn and crew see this other troop and call them over, but it was less than welcoming with that spear circle they formed. He tells them of Pip and Merry and the orcs and this dude straight up says “Didn’t see them, but I burned that group and anyone there”. As the crew grieves, the leader gives them two horses as a “sorry I maybe killed your friends” gift. LOL
BAEagorn is showing off his mad tracking skills, but literally replaying the entire narrative of Merry and Pip. Turns out, they’re being chased by an orc in the Fangorn Forest, which apparently in sus AF. Merry and Pip bump into the Giving Tree who is the shepherd of the forest and an orc hater.
Back to Fro-Fro and crew. Gollum is taking them through a swamp filled with dead people.
Where you going Fro-Fro? Why are you veering off the road dude? Oh, of course, to jump into the swamp to hang with the dead people. Sam coming in and saving Fro-Fr…OH IT’S GOLLUM! But they’re definitely saving the ring, not Fro-Fro. Uh-oh…Fro-Fro is petting the ring like Gollum; Smeagol…Smeagollum. Not a good look, Fro-Fro.
Lord, the dementors are back and they became Targaryens. This ring is choking Fro-Fro. Boy, keep your hand away from the damn ring. It’s like you want to get stabbed again. Dummy! Thank God for Sam!
Hey Gandaldore. Oh, you’re alive and living in the Fangorn Forest, being the most useful. Nice. So, he defeats the Balrog; gets taken by darkness (which is a gorgeous visual BTW); and comes back to life to finish stopping Saruman. This whistle he’s learned is wild. IDK, man. He’s still toxic to me.
Smeagollum leads Fro-Fro and Sam to the Black Gate and this poor little guy. They’re so stressed with the sounds of this place and the soldiers. Welp, it was nice knowing Sam. There he goes sliding down towards the soldiers. Oh, look at that. Fro-Fro decided to be a friend and protect Sam.
Wait, how do these soldiers not see them? Oh, so their capes are basically invisibility cloaks. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Funny how they can add 3 second dialogue about Elvish capes but not how Gandaldore gets his staff back in the first movie, huh?
Also, the look of betrayal on Sam’s face makes me want to punch Fro-Fro in the face. How are you going to listen to Smeagollum, who you met 5 seconds ago, vs. Sam, who you’ve known for LITERAL YEARS?
So, BAEagorn, Gandaldore, and the bromance make it to Rohan and their weapons are taken away except Gandaldore’s “walking stick”. A fight breaks out, but Gandaldore walks through the crowd unscathed. HOW!?
Anyway, he sees the spell that Saruman put on the Rohan king and he’s performing an exorcism on the king.
Gandaldore wins the battle and knocks Saruman out of the king! Grima, Snape and Filch’s son, is banished since he’s a sneaky sneak and the king begins to protect his kingdom from Saruman. He’s also grieving over the loss of his son. Gandaldore feels everyone is good at Rohan and leaves BAEagorn and the bromance behind to help evacuate the city and get citizens to Helm’s Deep. Gandaldore is out to do something.
Fro-Fro is over here defending Smeagollum whenever Sam says anything remotely negative to them. Granted, should Sam be making fun of Smeagollum? No, but Sam is defending his friend. Fro-Fro is going to feel SO. STUPID. If they get screwed over! Fro-Fro over here having the nerve and audacity to talk to Sam like a peasant. His apology is real cheap too: “I don’t know why I said that.” The worst. Also, really Fro-Fro? You don’t know why?! Maybe it’s the evil ring around your neck. Oh, Smeagollum is talking to themselves, but like having a full conversation. That can’t be good.
This potato scene is so good. I’m so happy Sam and I share the same feelings for po-ta-toes. (Note: I’ve been informed by a friend that is is a song everyone knew about, but just in case you didn’t, here you are.)
Rollin’ To Helm’s Deep!
Omg, BAEagorn is back and he’s…
Wait…
WHY ARE YOU STARING AT EOWYN!? BOY, ARWEN IS YOUR LADY. STOP IT! Keep it in your damn pants, sir!
Wait, did they break up? But you still have her necklace. WOOOOOOOW, don’t look for a rebound. Everyone involved deserves better, BAE.
Oh Lord, we’re under attack! BAE, NOOOOOO!!!!
At least the Rohan people made it to Helm’s Deep. I guess. As much as I love learning about this place, I don’t love hearing that it has 1 weakness that is similar to another fortress:
BAEagorn is on the shore! You had me worried Bae. So, I want Arwen’s power to protect loved ones from afar! Oh okay, so mortality is the issue in this relationship. That sucks, man.
Wow, the number of people that have never met a hobbit is wild. First the Giving Tree and now these Rohan knights lol. OH THIS IS SEAN BEAN’S BROTHER. I can see the resemblance.
Wait he wants to kill Smeagollum!? Who would want to kill this sweetie pie?
Ugh, well they’re captured and just when I think it can’t get worse, Sam reveals they’re going to Mordor.
Battle of Helm’s Deep
BAEagron found his way to Helm’s Deep! YAYY! Omg Gimli of the bromance says hi to him like Jack does to Rose when she jumps off the lifeboat.
Orlando of the bromance literally calls bae ugly. I cannot with these friendships lmao. Despite the odds, BAEagorn is coming out like a ray of positivity to all. Also, THE ELVES ARE HERE!!! YASSS.
This bromance is comedy gold! Orlando asking if Gimli wants him to “describe” it, their kill count lmao
And the battle has begun! This is going to be rough. Serious question though: In this movie and in real life battle, how are these soldiers carrying these big ass ladders?!
Back to Merry and Pip, they’re waiting for the Giving Tree to finish his meeting. They come to one conclusion: Merry and Pip are NOT orcs. That’s nice, but I’m stressed.
Back to Helms Deep, dammit. The death star exploded. WHY DO THEY INSIST ON MAKING FORTS WITH WEAKNESSES!? Here goes Orlando surfing down the stairs like the Queen of Genovia.
These damn trees are pacifists. Damn them! That is until the Giving Tree sees the forest Saruman cut up. YASSS! WE’RE ROLLING DEEP NOW! COME THROUGH TREE CREW!! Sneak attack time!
This battle is looking like a loss. At least Gimli got to experience flight before the loss.
Back to Fro-Fro, I have zero sympathy for him at this point because of how he treats Sam. Smeagollum is still tied up and Sam tells Sean Bean’s brother about Sean’s greed. As he should! Fro-Fro can sense the Targaryen dementors all of a sudden!?
The Battle of Helm’s Deep is still looking bleak, but BAEagorn remembers the words Gandaldore told him and as the prophets foretold, THERE HE IS WITH REINFORCEMENTS! I see where GoT got their inspo for Battle of the Bastards. IYKYK
How is this tree crew so good at fighting!? YES! BREAK THE DAM! FUCK UP ALL OF SARUMAN’S HARD WORK!!
As Saruman gets defeated on two fronts, Fro-Fro calls the Targaryen Dementor forth by showing the ring and Sam tackled him knocking him to his senses. OOOP his senses we’re knocked back into place and he’s HOLDING A SWORD TO SAM! STOP IT FRO-FRO! BAD FRO-FRO!
Good, he felt the water from my spray bottle. STAY DOWN, FRO-FRO!
WOOO!! They’re off again! Get you a man that talks to you the way Sam talks to Fro-Fro because this is unreal. But, where’s my son, Smeagollum!? Oh, okay they’re talking to themselves. OH, we’re thinking about revenge! Why did he say, “she could do it”? WHO IS SHE!?
The Verdict
I am pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this movie. This sequel has so much action and wonderfully and seamlessly intertwines so many stories at once. The comedic quips here and there are well placed and help in lightening the mood of battle. I still distrust Gandaldore; my trauma is too damn high to get over. As for predictions for this last installment, I doubt Fro-Fro is going to die, but I do think the ring will finally be destroyed. I’m curious to know who this mysterious SHE is; I bet Smeagollum is talking about Galadriel, the fortune cookie! I do hope that BAEagorn and Arwen get together. I’m a little sad that I’m not getting as much Arwen content as I hoped for, but there is one more 3 hour film, so who knows?
I mean most of the world knows, but I don’t…YET!
This article was edited by Sarah Taylor.